A Space where voices in my head comes alive

Category: Parenthood

Prenatal blues

*post is added at a later date when I was more comfortable sharing

draft written on 3rd Jan 2021

As we count down to Baby T’s arrival, there is this nagging feeling that I can’t seem to pinpoint. It’s not a major sadness that comes with hormonal issues but more of the lingering doubt. So many people look at my social media feed and think I am having the time of my life. But I am actually struggling inside.

Do i really want kids? Or rather, can I handle a kid? Am I ready? Will I be good enough to be a parent? What if I suck?

These are the questions that kept going round and round in my head. And I can’t seem to shake them off no matter how supportive Daniel is.

I am afraid. but at the same time, I feel helpless. which is really stupid since I have such a strong support system. maybe more of fear than anything else.

I actually feel useless, I can’t carry heavy stuff anymore, I feel like a whale. I can’t even see my bloody feet! I am also not very useful at productions. We just finished our last production that I was allowed to be on-site, and this feels… Wrong.

I don’t know what i am actually thinking and why these thoughts are coming. Maybe these thoughts might go away one day..

*Trigger warning* So how do I know?

Edit on 5th Dec 2020* it took me a while to decide if I wanted to publish this. But recently I have a few mums to be asking me why I don’t have such thoughts. I do. And a lot of it but these are things I don’t scream to the world at that point in time. I tend to retreat into my own mind and write it down so that I release it somehow. So here it is..
WARNING, Trigger warnings.

Google can be a scary monster by itself. I find myself going down the rabbit hole over and over again spending time sucked into it with thoughts turning darker and darker. How do I know my baby is doing well? If he or she is growing? Am I doing all I can for the tiny life in me? I can’t sleep for 2 nights in a row. I have no appetite. How does it affect the growth of the little one in me?

I don’t know what to say, I don’t know who to tell. And as of now, mum and dad are still in the dark. what is the point of telling them? The bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment if it doesn’t get to full term. I can’t put them through that.

Every trip to the toilet feels dreadful. Every time I pull down my pants I wonder if I will see the red lump of blood clots I saw so many times before. And I breathe a sigh of relief when it was clear. Every pain, every ache, every strange feeling in my abdomen sends my brain into hyper mode.

Yes seeing the ultrasound did put things into reality. But it also seems like the only indication that everything is ok.. the only indication until the next scan. So what do I do from now till the next scan? It’s been 20 days since the last appointment. Why is the time going so slow?

These are things I type into google.

Is it normal to not have morning sickness?

Is it normal to not feel anything?

How do you know you are really pregnant?

How do you know if you have lost a baby in first trimester?

How do I know my baby is ok first trimester

Things to eat in first trimester

Things to avoid eating in first trimester

Common causes of baby death in first trimester

How do you know if you are still pregnant?

How fast do I bleed after baby dies first trimester?

Safe exercise to do during first trimester

How many woman lose their baby in first trimester in Singapore?

What causes woman to lose their baby in early pregnancy?

These thoughts are ever-present in my head. And being almost 35 is not helping. I’m scared…

Then I see posts on Instagram. Of lost and how to morn for angel babies. Of people who had and lost. Of failed pregnancy tests, again.. So I stopped scrolling.

I can’t stand the silence so I listen to podcasts constantly. I can’t stand being alone so I go drive grab. I can’t stand being around people I know with all these dark thoughts in me so walk around aimlessly in malls.

But what else can I do? Maybe watching TV might help… might help.. i need to get out of this void. This cant be healthy…

Finally the first doctor visit to KKH

So today is the KKH appointment we have been waiting so long for. The last few weeks felt like months. I find myself freaking out every time I go to the washroom, every time I felt a discharge, only to breathe a sigh of relief to find no blood or spotting.

I realized that my morning sickness only comes when I am too hungry. So now I just keep eating. But it does help that my BMI is 18 pre-pregnancy.

And the day begins

So reading online about the waiting times of KKH public, Daniel and I braced ourselves for the long day ahead. We canceled all appointments and made sure we had biscuits in my bag and ketones in our bottles.

When we arrived, DAMN the place was packed! So scanning due to Covid took about 5 mins, that’s not too bad! And we walked aimlessly around looking for Clinic C, found it, scanned my IC then a paper popped out.

Registration fail, please go to counters 1-4.. DAMMIT!

Okayyy.. breath!!! Its gonna be fine!!!

The place was PACKED!!!!! So we asked the closest person in uniform we could grab if we needed to wait or talk to someone.

The senior administrative staff just told us “Just take a seat, they will call your name”. Okayyyy..

There were no seats as the place was packed and half the seats were unavailable due to social distancing.

OKAY!!!! Let’s do this. Daniel and I anxiously looked at the ladies at the counter, who were constantly bombarded with questions and people talking to them.

Then, 10 mins in, I heard my name! Oh helllooooo nurse.

Ding Dong

They passed me a slip and told me to wait in front of the counter and watch my number. But they are very sweet la. After another 5 min of waiting,  to the counter where they took the letter from the polyclinic, explained to me what is going on, double checked if I wanted to go the public/subsidized route, explained to me what that means and that I can change my mind anytime.

She also explained to me as a first-time mum, these are the resources opened to me, also vaccinating options for my baby, epidural or not (this can change as the dates get closer), getting Daniel’s documents to make sure he was my hubby.. hahaha..

Then after signing a bunch of papers, off to the scanning we goooo!

Scanning and nervous waiting starts

When we got to the scanning clinic (yes it is a different area), we passed our paper to the reception and got ready to wait. We were pleasantly surprised when our number flashed before we even got to sit down. We went over and the lady told us “This is your first time here right? There is actually quite a long queue, so it will take about 1 hour. Have you guys had breakfast? Do you want to go have breakfast first and walk around before coming back for the scan?”

That is so so sweet! So off to the food court we go!

An hour later, we came back to the clinic, I went to say hi to the nurse so that she knows we are back, and within 10 mins, it is our turn! SUPER EXCITED!

Finally into the room. Will we see what we wanna see?

We got into the room, the lady confirmed my NRIC number and told me to pull my jeans down below my waist and scoot into the bed/chair thingy. Then she squirts the gel on my belly and it begins!

Scan scan scan

And we saw our little bean for the first and the first thing we saw was the beating heart. It was beating fast and furious.

I cried.

To know that there was life within me brought crazy emotions. Daniel and I were just smiling like crazy and I saw tears in his eyes too! So here is our little bean. Already fighting for his or her life.

I think this is the moment it hit me. I am really a mom. Not just because I saw a line on the pregnancy test but I am carrying a living baby that will be growing and growing every moment!

After the scan is done, we got the ultrasound photo, dan and I just held it for a second and the lady was kind enough to give us a second before we left the room. We thanked her and she was super kind, congratulated us, and told us where to go next.

Test test and more test!

So next was the height and weight and pee test. Basically, wait outside a room then go in (this is starting to feel like clockwork), take your height and weight and pee on a test stick and show the stick to the nurse. Painless done in less than 5 min.

Then finally doctor consultation.

Dan and I prayed outside the room for good results from the doc. And within 2 mins of us sitting down, our number rang/dinged!

In we go! The doctor was so nice!!! She asked if everything was ok, how I was feeling, and if I was active before pregnancy.

I told her I was and I asked if I could continue to take my ketones. After taking a quick look and asking if I know that this is something that I’ve been taking, she just said, I don’t see any issues if you are comfortable continuing, only no Keto diet. One of the best news of the day! Hehe..

And of cos my coffee question. How much mg can I take a day? Hehe.. 200mg? GREAT!!!!!!

So all done! And I had the option to take a flu jab now or in 3 weeks. Might as well get it done. And with that, the last step!

Pay and off we go!

NETS payment at the kiosk and we are DONE FOR the day! It actually did not take as long as I thought it would. And with a 50% government subsidized fee yooooo!!!!! woohooo!

So that’s my experience at KKH for the first time! Hehehe.. I’m just looking at the little bean bean photo as I type away!

Love you all, till next time, byeeee!!!

Am I still drinking Pruvit during pregnancy?

Today while on the way to a lunch appointment, Daniel asked me in the car,

“So are you going to continue drinking pruvit?”

Without missing a beat, my reply was,

“Why not? I think got pregnant thanks to pruvit ah why should I stop? Ive never been in better health and I want what is best for my body”

Daniel then laughed.

The rational to continue drinking

Now thinking back while typing this, I think I see the change in my life. The last time I’ve fallen sick was almost 2 years ago while I used to go get an MC every 2 to 3 weeks. I got my health back, became the hottest I’ve ever been, and went back to the gym. But that is my own story.

But won’t I be worried?

Of cos, I would worry! I googled an article that day looking at what causes kids to have autism and they linked it to vitamin b, and when I saw the amount of vitamin B in our ketones, of cos I freaked out. But further research actually enlightened me that our body can only take in this amount of water-soluble vitamins and the rest is just passed out.

Research research research

So I think it is important to know yourself, do your research, and communicate with your doctor. I have yet to see my doctor from KKH yet but I will be sure to ask if I can still be on ketones!

I do find it funny that we get so freaked out with taking things that we know are good for our body but don’t even bat an eyelash when we drink bubble tea or sweet coffee.

Also, fun fact!! Babies get into a mild state of ketosis soon after birth and they stay in that state as long as they are kept solely on breastmilk. And mama’s breastmilk does contain a lot of fats! And if the mama is ketogenic, ketone bodies do get passed through the placenta into the fetus. Super baby anyone?? You can read more here!

So do what you are comfortable with!

Im not advocating pregnant mums to go on a keto diet nor am I advising them to be on ketones. I feel it is the responsibility of each individual to be responsible adults and do their due diligence. I have been researching and learning as well as went for nutritional courses for me to draw my own conclusion and I think everyone should too!

So at the end of the day, it is not blind faith for me, it is science and research. So for now, I will just stick to the non-caffeinated ones (For the sake of my long-suffering hubby before I turn into a monster).

Thats all for now and I’m looking forward to go for my first doctor appointment at KKH in a few day! So stay happy and positive! Love ya!

Public or Private? So which route did I choose for my pregnancy?

So this is my first polyclinic visit. After researching a little, we have decided to go public.. For now! Yay to the Singapore medical system.

I am not sure what else I should be doing but I do want to make REALLLL sure that I am pregnant before going to a hospital. Over the last 2 nights, the constant nudging of “what if it is a false positive and you end up being happy for nothing” kept floating in my mind.

So after a few clicks on google, and reading if I REALLY need a private gynae, I’ve decided to just go to the polyclinic first to, one, confirm my pregnancy and calm my mind before I go crazy, and two, to talk to people so that I can see what my options are.

I’m constantly gagging and tired the last 2 days. It is starting to affect my sleep and my brain is going on a rampage.

So off to a polyclinic I go!!!

So I decided to go to the nearest polyclinic from our office!!! I asked Dan to stay in the office as we were in the middle of a project and I needed him to stay and finish his work.

I went to woodlands polyclinic as it was the nearest to the office and braced myself for a long wait.

My brain is obsessed with coffee at the moment.. zzz

Tip 1, Avoid the lunch time slots.

And it was my fault for coming right before lunchtime so after registering, the nice lady at the counter told me I can actually go have lunch first then come back at 1.30 pm. GREAT!!! Coffee I’m coming!!!

So after a quick lunch, I went back to the clinic early to attempt to get my work done (hey hey cloud-based business) and I waited. Quite surprised it was quite fast! The bell rang and it was my turn.

Tip 2, Most things are like clockwork, so be independent! Put that big girl pants on!

Urine test! The instructions were “pee in this cup then follow the marking on the floor to drop off.. toilet there, no need too much ah! thanks!”

Wookie! Pee in a cup that’s easyishh.

Followed the markings on the floor to the loo, then the markings that tell you where to drop the samples off! Then dropped the samples into a tray and back to waiting. Easy peasy!

Tip 3, Keep your day free for your own sanity.

Less then 30 mins later, dingggg.. That did not take as long as I though it would, judging by the amount of people waiting at the lobby!

Enter the room. When I got in, a middle-aged female doctor greeted me kindly! She congratulated me and told me I was 5 weeks pregnant! Yuppp.. that sounds about right!

Here comes the kicker! Decision time!

The Doctor then and asked me if I wanted to go to a government hospital or a private hospital. So I asked the pros and cons.

So she told me, basically my choice if I want to see only one doctor and his/her team or am I open to a team of doctors and having a different doc every time.

Lets break it down!

The pros of private is

  • Doc knows me, I will go to the hospital the doc is at for delivery
  • If I had a doc I was already visiting, good to stick with him or her
  • Shorter appointment time per visit

And the pros of public is

  • First available appointment date
  • Financially more affordable due to subsidies
  • Second, third, forth… many opinion

So she told me no rush, I can always go into private if I choose public first. So public it is!

Between KKH and NUH, I preferred KKH, so KKH I went!

Last bit of waiting

It took about 10 mins for the doctor to get the referral letter done and with a last word of congrats, and last warning to not carry anything heavy, go to the A&E straight if I bleed or get any spotting, and keep taking my folic acid, im done!  

And hello morning sickness… I’m hungry again.

Payment and cost!

Final steps now!!! Go to the self-service kiosk to pay (big girl pants remember) and I’m all done! In and out. About 3.5 hours plus an hr in between due to lunch break, total bill of $17.20, that’s not too bad!

Maybe it is a good idea to go public!

I will write about my KKH experience once I get my appointment! hehe.. but hello smol smol, you are no longer a figment of my imagination!

Love, Samantha

Today, I found out I am gonna be a mum

I’m sitting now in front of my computer in the office and my brain was in a mess when I am typing this. But I want to record this down somewhere. I want to be able to look back and remember this day. I will attempt to with this brain going in different directions. Hope this makes sense when I look back many moons from now.

So today was the day Dan and I went to get a pregnancy kit. I have realized my period was late for the first time in 2.5 years since I started ketones. Before that, I can have periods for months then nothing. Then months again with a crazy stabbing pain. But since Ketones, it has been like clockwork and painless.

We were talking about it last night, what if our results are positive? What if we are pregnant? Are we really ready to become parents? AT THIS TIME?! We are still in phase one of the circuit breaker! And our house is only coming in END NEXT year!!!

So we went to Sun Plaza for lunch. I did not have much appetite, Dan was eating his favorite Chinese pork ribs. My brains were in overdrive. I KNOW somehow I felt different these days, and it scares me. I feel like throwing up.

After late lunch, we went to the pharmacy to get the kit. I stood in front of the kits and hesitated, I wanted to chicken out, but I needed to know. Daniel was giving me space. Maybe he knew I am conflicted and I had to make this decision myself. I bought 2. Just in case of a misreading.

On the short drive back I felt sick but excited. Like a kid in bed on Christmas morning not knowing if I would love the present or be disappointed. The drive back I was silent, Dan was cracking jokes trying to lighten the mood, I appreciated that. Even at times like that, I give thanks to God for having this soulmate

After we got back to the office, I left the kits on the table for a while. We both sat at the couch holding hands, I was afraid. Was I holding on to too much hope since we have been trying for a kid and it has been disappointing so far?

I cried. Like all the months I cried when my period came on the dot.

It’s all or nothing now. I know dan was at a loss but he held it in like the pillar of support he has and will always be, we hold the kits together, fiddling with it, reading the instructions, trying to get the mushy brain in working order.

Ok. Toilet time!

I peed into the cup and used the dropper, WAIT.. was it one line or two? Wait… what’s what? As I dripped a couple of drops into the test area, I waited. And counted…

One thousand.. two thousand… three thousand…

The first faint line appeared…

Four thousand… 5 thousand… 6 thousand….

And the line darken to one dark pink line.

Seven thousand… eight thousand… nine thousand… ten thousand…

Was it my eyes playing tricks on me or do i see the very faint second line?

I lost count and stared at the test kit. My eyes started to water. I kept blinking, straining to see…

Slowly and surely, the second pink line faded into existence… I sat down for a bit, staring in space… looked up and saw a frightened girl staring back at me and realized that was my reflection.

After what felt like an hour, but that was just barely a minute in real-time, I grabbed the kit, walked out of the toilet to find Daniel smiling at me. I burst into tears and showed him the kit. He was confused a little.. then he laughed.. and both of us were laughing and crying at the same time.

Daniel quickly said a prayer thanking God for the results, laid a blessing of protection over me and our kiddo. We just sat there for a while… a long while. Talking about what to do next. We had no idea.

I suddenly felt a wave of panic. So doctor? Who? Where? What? How?

Suddenly instincts kicked in and I was in full research mode. That’s what I do best anyway and the only thing that’s was in my mind was..

Can I drink coffee now? I need a coffee.. oh wait… can I drink coffee? How much coffee can I drink?

Daniel has a natural daddy instinct. (THANK YOU JESUS) and he started fussing over me, making sure I was comfortable, trying to feed me, and made sure I was well hydrated.

So that was what went down today. As I sat here, Dan is rushing his edit and I just wanted to note every emotion and feeling down. I’m afraid and I am being very careful. I know this is precious and a gift from God and I wanna protect it to my best ability.

Here is to our smol smol… mum and dad lovesss you sooo much. Even though you are just a cluster of cells at the moment. Hahah…

Hello little pink line..

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