Edit on 5th Dec 2020* it took me a while to decide if I wanted to publish this. But recently I have a few mums to be asking me why I don’t have such thoughts. I do. And a lot of it but these are things I don’t scream to the world at that point in time. I tend to retreat into my own mind and write it down so that I release it somehow. So here it is..
WARNING, Trigger warnings.
Google can be a scary monster by itself. I find myself going down the rabbit hole over and over again spending time sucked into it with thoughts turning darker and darker. How do I know my baby is doing well? If he or she is growing? Am I doing all I can for the tiny life in me? I can’t sleep for 2 nights in a row. I have no appetite. How does it affect the growth of the little one in me?
I don’t know what to say, I don’t know who to tell. And as of now, mum and dad are still in the dark. what is the point of telling them? The bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment if it doesn’t get to full term. I can’t put them through that.
Every trip to the toilet feels dreadful. Every time I pull down my pants I wonder if I will see the red lump of blood clots I saw so many times before. And I breathe a sigh of relief when it was clear. Every pain, every ache, every strange feeling in my abdomen sends my brain into hyper mode.
Yes seeing the ultrasound did put things into reality. But it also seems like the only indication that everything is ok.. the only indication until the next scan. So what do I do from now till the next scan? It’s been 20 days since the last appointment. Why is the time going so slow?
These are things I type into google.
Is it normal to not have morning sickness?
Is it normal to not feel anything?
How do you know you are really pregnant?
How do you know if you have lost a baby in first trimester?
How do I know my baby is ok first trimester
Things to eat in first trimester
Things to avoid eating in first trimester
Common causes of baby death in first trimester
How do you know if you are still pregnant?
How fast do I bleed after baby dies first trimester?
Safe exercise to do during first trimester
How many woman lose their baby in first trimester in Singapore?
What causes woman to lose their baby in early pregnancy?
These thoughts are ever-present in my head. And being almost 35 is not helping. I’m scared…
Then I see posts on Instagram. Of lost and how to morn for angel babies. Of people who had and lost. Of failed pregnancy tests, again.. So I stopped scrolling.
I can’t stand the silence so I listen to podcasts constantly. I can’t stand being alone so I go drive grab. I can’t stand being around people I know with all these dark thoughts in me so walk around aimlessly in malls.
But what else can I do? Maybe watching TV might help… might help.. i need to get out of this void. This cant be healthy…
So today is the KKH appointment we have been waiting so long for. The last few weeks felt like months. I find myself freaking out every time I go to the washroom, every time I felt a discharge, only to breathe a sigh of relief to find no blood or spotting.
I realized that my morning sickness only comes when I am too hungry. So now I just keep eating. But it does help that my BMI is 18 pre-pregnancy.
And the day begins
So reading online about the waiting times of KKH public, Daniel and I braced ourselves for the long day ahead. We canceled all appointments and made sure we had biscuits in my bag and ketones in our bottles.
When we arrived, DAMN the place was packed! So scanning due to Covid took about 5 mins, that’s not too bad! And we walked aimlessly around looking for Clinic C, found it, scanned my IC then a paper popped out.
Registration fail, please go to counters 1-4.. DAMMIT!
Okayyy.. breath!!! Its gonna be fine!!!
The place was PACKED!!!!! So we asked the closest person in uniform we could grab if we needed to wait or talk to someone.
The senior administrative staff just told us “Just take a seat, they will call your name”. Okayyyy..
There were no seats as the place was packed and half the seats were unavailable due to social distancing.
OKAY!!!! Let’s do this. Daniel and I anxiously looked at the ladies at the counter, who were constantly bombarded with questions and people talking to them.
Then, 10 mins in, I heard my name! Oh helllooooo nurse.
Ding Dong
They passed me a slip and told me to wait in front of the counter and watch my number. But they are very sweet la. After another 5 min of waiting, to the counter where they took the letter from the polyclinic, explained to me what is going on, double checked if I wanted to go the public/subsidized route, explained to me what that means and that I can change my mind anytime.
She also explained to me as a first-time mum, these are the resources opened to me, also vaccinating options for my baby, epidural or not (this can change as the dates get closer), getting Daniel’s documents to make sure he was my hubby.. hahaha..
Then after signing a bunch of papers, off to the scanning we goooo!
Scanning and nervous waiting starts
When we got to the scanning clinic (yes it is a different area), we passed our paper to the reception and got ready to wait. We were pleasantly surprised when our number flashed before we even got to sit down. We went over and the lady told us “This is your first time here right? There is actually quite a long queue, so it will take about 1 hour. Have you guys had breakfast? Do you want to go have breakfast first and walk around before coming back for the scan?”
That is so so sweet! So off to the food court we go!
An hour later, we came back to the clinic, I went to say hi to the nurse so that she knows we are back, and within 10 mins, it is our turn! SUPER EXCITED!
Finally into the room. Will we see what we wanna see?
We got into the room, the lady confirmed my NRIC number and told me to pull my jeans down below my waist and scoot into the bed/chair thingy. Then she squirts the gel on my belly and it begins!
Scan scan scan
And we saw our little bean for the first and the first thing we saw was the beating heart. It was beating fast and furious.
I cried.
To know that there was life within me brought crazy emotions. Daniel and I were just smiling like crazy and I saw tears in his eyes too! So here is our little bean. Already fighting for his or her life.
I think this is the moment it hit me. I am really a mom. Not just because I saw a line on the pregnancy test but I am carrying a living baby that will be growing and growing every moment!
After the scan is done, we got the ultrasound photo, dan and I just held it for a second and the lady was kind enough to give us a second before we left the room. We thanked her and she was super kind, congratulated us, and told us where to go next.
Test test and more test!
So next was the height and weight and pee test. Basically, wait outside a room then go in (this is starting to feel like clockwork), take your height and weight and pee on a test stick and show the stick to the nurse. Painless done in less than 5 min.
Then finally doctor consultation.
Dan and I prayed outside the room for good results from the doc. And within 2 mins of us sitting down, our number rang/dinged!
In we go! The doctor was so nice!!! She asked if everything was ok, how I was feeling, and if I was active before pregnancy.
I told her I was and I asked if I could continue to take my ketones. After taking a quick look and asking if I know that this is something that I’ve been taking, she just said, I don’t see any issues if you are comfortable continuing, only no Keto diet. One of the best news of the day! Hehe..
And of cos my coffee question. How much mg can I take a day? Hehe.. 200mg? GREAT!!!!!!
So all done! And I had the option to take a flu jab now or in 3 weeks. Might as well get it done. And with that, the last step!
Pay and off we go!
NETS payment at the kiosk and we are DONE FOR the day! It actually did not take as long as I thought it would. And with a 50% government subsidized fee yooooo!!!!! woohooo!
So that’s my experience at KKH for the first time! Hehehe.. I’m just looking at the little bean bean photo as I type away!
Today while on the way to a lunch appointment, Daniel asked me in the car,
“So are you going to continue drinking pruvit?”
Without missing a beat, my reply was,
“Why not? I think got pregnant thanks to pruvit ah why should I stop? Ive never been in better health and I want what is best for my body”
Daniel then laughed.
The rational to continue drinking
Now thinking back while typing this, I think I see the change in my life. The last time I’ve fallen sick was almost 2 years ago while I used to go get an MC every 2 to 3 weeks. I got my health back, became the hottest I’ve ever been, and went back to the gym. But that is my own story.
But won’t I be worried?
Of cos, I would worry! I googled an article that day looking at what causes kids to have autism and they linked it to vitamin b, and when I saw the amount of vitamin B in our ketones, of cos I freaked out. But further research actually enlightened me that our body can only take in this amount of water-soluble vitamins and the rest is just passed out.
Research research research
So I think it is important to know yourself, do your research, and communicate with your doctor. I have yet to see my doctor from KKH yet but I will be sure to ask if I can still be on ketones!
I do find it funny that we get so freaked out with taking things that we know are good for our body but don’t even bat an eyelash when we drink bubble tea or sweet coffee.
Also, fun fact!! Babies get into a mild state of ketosis soon after birth and they stay in that state as long as they are kept solely on breastmilk. And mama’s breastmilk does contain a lot of fats! And if the mama is ketogenic, ketone bodies do get passed through the placenta into the fetus. Super baby anyone?? You can read more here!
So do what you are comfortable with!
Im not advocating pregnant mums to go on a keto diet nor am I advising them to be on ketones. I feel it is the responsibility of each individual to be responsible adults and do their due diligence. I have been researching and learning as well as went for nutritional courses for me to draw my own conclusion and I think everyone should too!
So at the end of the day, it is not blind faith for me, it is science and research. So for now, I will just stick to the non-caffeinated ones (For the sake of my long-suffering hubby before I turn into a monster).
Thats all for now and I’m looking forward to go for my first doctor appointment at KKH in a few day! So stay happy and positive! Love ya!
So this is my first polyclinic visit. After researching a little, we have decided to go public.. For now! Yay to the Singapore medical system.
I am not sure what else I should be doing but I do want to make REALLLL sure that I am pregnant before going to a hospital. Over the last 2 nights, the constant nudging of “what if it is a false positive and you end up being happy for nothing” kept floating in my mind.
So after a few clicks on google, and reading if I REALLY need a private gynae, I’ve decided to just go to the polyclinic first to, one, confirm my pregnancy and calm my mind before I go crazy, and two, to talk to people so that I can see what my options are.
I’m constantly gagging and tired the last 2 days. It is starting to affect my sleep and my brain is going on a rampage.
So off to a polyclinic I go!!!
So I decided to go to the nearest polyclinic from our office!!! I asked Dan to stay in the office as we were in the middle of a project and I needed him to stay and finish his work.
I went to woodlands polyclinic as it was the nearest to the office and braced myself for a long wait.
My brain is obsessed with coffee at the moment.. zzz
Tip 1, Avoid the lunch time slots.
And it was my fault for coming right before lunchtime so after registering, the nice lady at the counter told me I can actually go have lunch first then come back at 1.30 pm. GREAT!!! Coffee I’m coming!!!
So after a quick lunch, I went back to the clinic early to attempt to get my work done (hey hey cloud-based business) and I waited. Quite surprised it was quite fast! The bell rang and it was my turn.
Tip 2, Most things are like clockwork, so be independent! Put that big girl pants on!
Urine test! The instructions were “pee in this cup then follow the marking on the floor to drop off.. toilet there, no need too much ah! thanks!”
Wookie! Pee in a cup that’s easyishh.
Followed the markings on the floor to the loo, then the markings that tell you where to drop the samples off! Then dropped the samples into a tray and back to waiting. Easy peasy!
Tip 3, Keep your day free for your own sanity.
Less then 30 mins later, dingggg.. That did not take as long as I though it would, judging by the amount of people waiting at the lobby!
Enter the room. When I got in, a middle-aged female doctor greeted me kindly! She congratulated me and told me I was 5 weeks pregnant! Yuppp.. that sounds about right!
Here comes the kicker! Decision time!
The Doctor then and asked me if I wanted to go to a government hospital or a private hospital. So I asked the pros and cons.
So she told me, basically my choice if I want to see only one doctor and his/her team or am I open to a team of doctors and having a different doc every time.
Lets break it down!
The pros of private is
Doc knows me, I will go to the hospital the doc is at for delivery
If I had a doc I was already visiting, good to stick with him or her
Shorter appointment time per visit
And the pros of public is
First available appointment date
Financially more affordable due to subsidies
Second, third, forth… many opinion
So she told me no rush, I can always go into private if I choose public first. So public it is!
Between KKH and NUH, I preferred KKH, so KKH I went!
Last bit of waiting
It took about 10 mins for the doctor to get the referral letter done and with a last word of congrats, and last warning to not carry anything heavy, go to the A&E straight if I bleed or get any spotting, and keep taking my folic acid, im done!
And hello morning sickness… I’m hungry again.
Payment and cost!
Final steps now!!! Go to the self-service kiosk to pay (big girl pants remember) and I’m all done! In and out. About 3.5 hours plus an hr in between due to lunch break, total bill of $17.20, that’s not too bad!
Maybe it is a good idea to go public!
I will write about my KKH experience once I get my appointment! hehe.. but hello smol smol, you are no longer a figment of my imagination!
I’m sitting now in front of my computer in the office and my brain was in a mess when I am typing this. But I want to record this down somewhere. I want to be able to look back and remember this day. I will attempt to with this brain going in different directions. Hope this makes sense when I look back many moons from now.
So today was the day Dan and I went to get a pregnancy kit. I have realized my period was late for the first time in 2.5 years since I started ketones. Before that, I can have periods for months then nothing. Then months again with a crazy stabbing pain. But since Ketones, it has been like clockwork and painless.
We were talking about it last night, what if our results are positive? What if we are pregnant? Are we really ready to become parents? AT THIS TIME?! We are still in phase one of the circuit breaker! And our house is only coming in END NEXT year!!!
So we went to Sun Plaza for lunch. I did not have much appetite, Dan was eating his favorite Chinese pork ribs. My brains were in overdrive. I KNOW somehow I felt different these days, and it scares me. I feel like throwing up.
After late lunch, we went to the pharmacy to get the kit. I stood in front of the kits and hesitated, I wanted to chicken out, but I needed to know. Daniel was giving me space. Maybe he knew I am conflicted and I had to make this decision myself. I bought 2. Just in case of a misreading.
On the short drive back I felt sick but excited. Like a kid in bed on Christmas morning not knowing if I would love the present or be disappointed. The drive back I was silent, Dan was cracking jokes trying to lighten the mood, I appreciated that. Even at times like that, I give thanks to God for having this soulmate
After we got back to the office, I left the kits on the table for a while. We both sat at the couch holding hands, I was afraid. Was I holding on to too much hope since we have been trying for a kid and it has been disappointing so far?
I cried. Like all the months I cried when my period came on the dot.
It’s all or nothing now. I know dan was at a loss but he held it in like the pillar of support he has and will always be, we hold the kits together, fiddling with it, reading the instructions, trying to get the mushy brain in working order.
Ok. Toilet time!
I peed into the cup and used the dropper, WAIT.. was it one line or two? Wait… what’s what? As I dripped a couple of drops into the test area, I waited. And counted…
One thousand.. two thousand… three thousand…
The first faint line appeared…
Four thousand… 5 thousand… 6 thousand….
And the line darken to one dark pink line.
Seven thousand… eight thousand… nine thousand… ten thousand…
Was it my eyes playing tricks on me or do i see the very faint second line?
I lost count and stared at the test kit. My eyes started to water. I kept blinking, straining to see…
Slowly and surely, the second pink line faded into existence… I sat down for a bit, staring in space… looked up and saw a frightened girl staring back at me and realized that was my reflection.
After what felt like an hour, but that was just barely a minute in real-time, I grabbed the kit, walked out of the toilet to find Daniel smiling at me. I burst into tears and showed him the kit. He was confused a little.. then he laughed.. and both of us were laughing and crying at the same time.
Daniel quickly said a prayer thanking God for the results, laid a blessing of protection over me and our kiddo. We just sat there for a while… a long while. Talking about what to do next. We had no idea.
I suddenly felt a wave of panic. So doctor? Who? Where? What? How?
Suddenly instincts kicked in and I was in full research mode. That’s what I do best anyway and the only thing that’s was in my mind was..
Can I drink coffee now? I need a coffee.. oh wait… can I drink coffee? How much coffee can I drink?
Daniel has a natural daddy instinct. (THANK YOU JESUS) and he started fussing over me, making sure I was comfortable, trying to feed me, and made sure I was well hydrated.
So that was what went down today. As I sat here, Dan is rushing his edit and I just wanted to note every emotion and feeling down. I’m afraid and I am being very careful. I know this is precious and a gift from God and I wanna protect it to my best ability.
Here is to our smol smol… mum and dad lovesss you sooo much. Even though you are just a cluster of cells at the moment. Hahah…
That’s the first thing anything tells me when I say I am on a diet.
So recently I was looking for a picture of me that showed my build, like me actually being bigger sized because a new friend can’t imagine I was actually fleshy 1.5 years ago. But…
I realize… I realized I can’t find any!
And the reason wasn’t I have been skinny all my life. FAR FROM IT! I realized that even though I have never been one to fat shame others, I was very aware of how huge I look (being tall doesn’t help, it actually makes it worse! Imagine a pebble vs a boulder)
In almost all my photos, there was one thing similar, I was wearing a jacket ALL THE TIME! Either that or I was in long sleeves. I doubt it was a conscious choice and I never really noticed it until now when I am currently trying to find a picture when I was weighing in at 69KG.
After many failed attempts to find a picture, I took a while to try and understand and grasp the whole picture. And compared to the kind of pictures I used to take in my 20s, I realized that I have lost a lot of confidence over the last few years. Gradually and so subtle that I hardly noticed.
So these are some that I found! HAHA!!! I know how to cover my goods well…
Maybe a little less physical and a little more psychological
Did I feel fab still? Yeah, ish? But I know I needed to do something to make me feel better. So I did everything from chopping my hair to dying it to changing styles. ANYTHING
Did I try to make myself feel better? Yeah, I went to take up pole dance and strip dance to feel better about myself. But if you realized in my social media, I hardly post anything regarding pole! But Daniel was having fun!
I was not ashamed of myself but I was uncomfortable about posting myself on social media cos I felt I was “in progress”.. Of something.. Not there yet.. I have no idea what and where yet..
So here are 2 rare pics of me in pole wear!
omg back fat!!!!!yuppp.. no where close to how graceful Silver was.. i felt like a snow pea
I was bullied as a child cos of my weight (Nope, not that kinda story)
Not knocking victims of bullying but THIS is not that story! I was super strong when I was a kid! (if you are bullied please read on. Cos I will tell you the sweetest revengeeee.. mwahahahaa.. at the end…. mwahahhaa)
So this is not a sob story about how sad I felt or how I was bullied because of my weight cos I was OKAY-ish with myself! But I feel I can do better and do not want to have pictures of me on social media until I get “there”. Am I making sense?
So I gave up posting and sharing a lot of memories I had. HECK I DID NOT EVEN POST MY WEDDING PICS! zzz… I have not “felt ready” yet.
Also, one fun fact, even though I married THE One Click Wonders, I hardly had any shoot done of me since I hit 30. He pesters me every time to shoot but as usual, I “Felt” I wasn’t ready
So on the 31 dec 2018, I did something super uncomfortable. I did a photoshoot with Daniel finally. HE LOVED IT!!! BUT!!!! I did not ‘Feel’ it.. then I realized one thing. All my photos felt uncertain.
Daniel loves this shot but I actually remember cringing when I saw it. nothing wrong with the photo but more of what i saw at that time
So what was the problem!?
So obviously the problem was not physical. I have lost 13KG and still felt shit about myself! It has to be psychological! So in May, I got so tired of never acknowledging my progress and it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest and spraying water into my hair. I was cheering everyone on but I was going crazy inside! I felt so tired and empty!
Then something happened during my second KK in Orlando. I can’t put a finger to it, maybe I will write about it in another post once I figured it out. Something actually happened during my arrow break and I made a deal with myself.
Since I came back from Orlando, I tell myself every day that “I am worth it”, I look at myself in the mirror and give myself a huge smile everyday! I make an effort to check out myself in every reflection I could see and do a little wink. I am filled with gratitude for a hubby that tells me every 2 or 3 hours that he loves me and tells me that I am awesome every night before I sleep.
Growth! Is uncomfortable..
One thing I learned is that growth, no matter what kind of growth, is uncomfortable. I felt like a fool most of the time and I fall flat on my face more often then I cared to admit. But confidence is a skill. It has to be acquired through practice. And looking good in front of the camera is a learned skill. And I am still learning..
I think being stuck in the victim mentality is a very comfortable place for the mind. I knew it gave me reasons to make excuses and run away from everything but was that what I wanted in the long term? Like a kid with hands over her ears and screaming away refusing to deal with reality.
I doubt so. It might be comfortable for a while but I don’t want to live for another 20 years and look back wondering what could have been.
So finally after a few months of nudging from Daniel, we did an updated shoot 2 days ago. This time, I am happy with the results.
I was actually surprised when I saw this shot. I never knew I could pull this off!
There was not much weight difference between these 2 studio shots. But the mentality during the shoot was very different
So how much have I lost?
Yes, I found out that I needed to lose something, and it was not the weight. The main things I needed to lose was the lack of confidence, the feeling of needing to be perfect. I needed to lose the unattainable ideal of the perfect me and really trust the progress.
I am still FARRRRRr from perfection but knowing and acknowledging that I have made progression, that’s the most important lesson I’ve to learn this year! And it is probably something I will need to learn the rest of my life!
To lose limiting beliefs is sometimes worth more than losing just weight or fat! It gave me my life and confidence back. I am not perfect and I am proud of it! Cos there is beauty in the imperfections. There was a time I was skinny and unhappy for a while cos I still had the “not good enoug” mentality. But I have since had the mindset change and put on a couple of KGs. I’ve never felt better about myself!
So what do you want?
Something’s gotta give. You want more financial freedom, change the way you work and save! You want more friends, change the way you interact. You want more change in your appearance, work on it. You want more confidence, practice it! Cos you are freaking worth it!
The importance of tracking progress
You may not feel it, we never do. I don’t feel physically different when I see myself in the mirror and neither do I feel anything different when i wear my dresses. But Pictures don’t lie. (That’s why we stress the importance of taking pics for people who are trying to lose body fat). We are always over critical about ourselves and that’s just how are (especially ladies)
I actually felt crazy joy when i saw this pic Daniel put together for me
I actually feel proud of my progression. But i would have nothing to compare to when i did not take the first pic. And i remember i dreaded it ALOT and had to be forced to take that.
So if you want to be happy, use tools like this to celebrate every win! Look back and measure progress! Take a snapshot now and write a letter to yourself stating how you feel. In it set a challenge to yourself and change something for 10 days! Just one thing, eg smile more, do one kind deed a day or anything! Keep it in the drawer and set an alarm 100 days from now to remind you where it is. Read it in a 100 days and celebrate like crazy the progress you have made.
Sweetest revenge
Nope I have not forgotten the sweetest revenge one can give. The sweetest revenge is to go on and have fun with your life. They are not worth it, not anymore. Never let someone else negatively impact how you look at your self or what you feel you needed to do in life. That is giving them too much power that they don’t freaking deserve. Shine and bloom cos you are one of a kind. (Unless you are an ass then please don’t be an ass)
If you have not figured it out yet, I think I am effing Awesome and I think you are too! But it does not happen naturally, we need to work on it every single day! Not the awesomeness but the mentality. The awesomeness will come naturally!
There is no destination, just a process. And if thats the case, learn to enjoy and eat that damn elephant one bite at a time! Progression, not perfection!
To find out more, do follow me on @simsamsum on instagram or click here to learn more about ketones! My referral code is “dailyboost” and I will be there journeying with you as we progress to better!
There is a difference between a high achiever vs a
perfectionist.
I don’t remember at which stage in life I started to become
a perfectionist. I started from being a high achiever and digressed into a realm
of perfectionism. And no that’s not the same as being OCD. And to all self-proclaimed
OCDs out there, OCD is very different from being neat and orderly.
Back to being a perfectionist, I think I am seeing more negative attributes in it as I slowly drift away from being a perfectionist. There are many articles about these talking about Perfectionist Traits as well as how it is different from being a high achiever.
How did it all start?
Through my early formative years, I have always been a high achiever. Even though I was dyslexic, I was overachieving on many other areas in life. I have always set the record for being “the youngest student in XXX leadership position” and “the youngest student to start an initiative “. I have also always prided myself as the ‘fixer’ or the ‘problem solver’ who thinks differently from peers my age. Damn, I was even reading business books when I was 12 and got into trouble at reading classes cos the teachers don’t think that was age-appropriate.
“She has so much potential for the future!” “We are excited
to see where she will go in the future”
There are 2 ways a person can go after this. They either ride on these opportunities to greater heights or they crash and burn under these expectations.
I went both ways. I rode the waves higher and higher, and then I crashed under all these expectations. Mainly self-expectations.
The beginning of the end (errr.. though not really)
I was under so much stress that I went into a clinical depression. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t function.
I was afraid of everything. The constant question going off
in my head day and night,
“what if you fail sam? You have never failed before, so what makes you so sure you will survive this?”
“Are you sure you are ready? Are you sure you have what it takes? “
“Nope, not good enough. Anyone can do this so what makes you perfect? You need a perfect foolproof plan if not you will fall flat on your face before you even started”
“The only reason why you have friends and family is because you seem perfect. Can you imagine how disappointed they will be when they find out you are not? Do you know how fast they will leave?”
We are indeed our worst critic huh! If we were to treat
other people the same way we treat ourselves, we will indeed be very lonely.
The change was so slow and gradual that I did not even realize. My self-confidence and self-esteem were so low! Even though I became an educator, a flight attendant in a top airline and even started my own business! I have always felt like a fraud.
But once in a while, the high achiever Sam does appear. In times of trouble where I needed to react on instinct when I lack the time to talk myself out of it.
I was so tired and preoccupied with trying not to screw up all the time.
So one day I heard this phrase!
Then one day at a conference, I heard this phrase. “ Don’t mess good up for perfect”. That got me thinking!
How many times have I missed an opportunity cos I felt it was good but not perfect?
How many business opportunities have I missed cos I procrastinated when I felt I was not perfect enough yet?
How many times have I delayed saying yes to something I knew I was good enough to work it out as I go along because I felt I needed to be perfect before saying yes?
How many times have I stood at the sidelines and watch others that are not necessary as qualified but way more confident then I am, take the plunge into something I know I could be good at?
Are these the reason why I find myself living from paycheck to paycheck, project to project cos I was afraid to commit to anything? The answer is YES!
Do I really want to have a perfect, failure-free life at the end knowing that I have played it too safe?
So this year I have decided to not play it safe! I have
decided to take risk, more calculated risk.
I have learned that it is all about progress and not about being perfect. So as long as I am moving forward, even falling or failing forward, that’s all that matters.
Relearning is never easy. Overcoming fear is never easy too! But as long as I am progressing 1% better every day, that’s a mad compounded progression is the long run! So if any part of this speaks to you, just start. No one can guarantee the perfect outcome but one can guarantee no outcome if you don’t gather up the courage to just start.
Finally, have the time to write again. And yes this needs to change. I need to write more as this is one of the few ways I get my emotions and feeling out of my thick skull. And it helps me on an emotional level when I put my emotions on paper (screen).
And today’s topic is about being nice. Is
there such a thing as being too nice?
I have been struggling with this concept for a while. How much niceness is too nice? But recently I saw a video that says it pretty well. You can see it here
It kinda describes what I have been doing
for a while. Being so nice that I end up getting burnt out and asking myself
why did I even agree to do anything.
Then there comes the concept of transactional “niceness”. Eg when a paying client asks for something done and is super nice and collaborative about it, then I will be more than willing to do more, even forgoing sleep.
But how about non-monetary? Non-transactional? Or just being nice because I want to be nice?
Truth be told, I got very very jaded about a month or 2 ago, and am still trying to get out of it. It’s hard to not be cynical when I am comparing myself internally to the likes of disposable utensils. Replaceable.
I thought I would be happy if I protected myself more, to think about myself more. To put me in the canter and before anyone else. To “give me first dips”. But I realized that I was not happy and went down an angry spiral.
As an emotional creature, I have always shown love by acts of service. This is my love language and by not helping others first means asking me to not love. And that killed me more than anything.
So yes I was protecting myself, but I was
not happy. That got me thinking, it is not about the act of being nice, but the
subject or persons I need to be careful about being nice to.
I am still learning to discern but I
cannot ‘not love’. So do I have a way to get less hurt and tired? Not yet. But
I guess, getting tired and sometimes hurt, beats not loving.
24th Oct 2013, I made my last flight back to Singapore from London as a Singapore Girl. A life long dream I’ve had and checked off. And at this point of writing, that is almost 5.5 years ago. But there are some crew habits that I still do till now as well as some lessons I had the privilege of learning from my days of flying.
I found my Kebaya recently and MANAGED TO FIT IN!!! MWAHAHAHAHaaaaa
Habits that I can’t kick till date
Toilet paper
Let’s start off with a funny one. I CANNOT stand toilet paper that is put in the wrong way round. I’ve actually subconsciously swapped some around in public toilets. Unless you have a CAT, there is no reason why your toilet paper is inserted the wrong way round.
Holding the front of my skirt when running or walking fast
This is a strange one. If you have seen the SQ kebaya, there is a slit running down the front, you can read more interesting things about the uniform here. So for some strange reason, I will grab the imaginary slit.
Things I do on flight
From packing an extra set of clothes in my cabin bag, to never wearing slippers or heels on flight, to always looking for emergency exits as well as sitting with my fit planted on the cabin floor during takeoff and landing. Yeah some things never change. That includes thanking the crew for the flight when we land.
Living out of a cargo bag for a while after coming home from holiday
This is more of a reminiscing then a habit. Maybe subconsciously I want to fly off again soon?
Cleaning toilets on flight
Not full on with sprays and gloves but I’ll make sure at least the basins are dry and there is tissue in the compartments.
Fun and silly habits aside, there are some life lessons that are precious to me even till this day. My time in SIA has shaped me quite a bit and I am proud to say I am a better person because of that.
Lessons I’ve learned in SIA
The ability to talk to anyone about anything
I re cultivated my love for reading and learning new things when I was in SIA. Knowing a little in everything from management to business to art and even politics has allowed me to be able to hold a conversation with anyone.
But the main lesson I learn is the art of starting a conversation first. This has helped me so much in business post-SIA days and it is a skill honed by taking to thousand and thousands of strangers
Everything is much much better when approached with a smile. Unless your smile is creepy.. then I can’t help you. But you can practice!
Appreciate service staff
There are 2 kinds of person never to offend, your boss and the person who makes your food. Well, you know the reason for both.
But what I learn is that a please or a thank you can make someone’s day. They might have a shitty day already but just being in contact with people who appreciates them does help make work a lot more bearable
Plus it shows your upbringing!
Be nice!
There are enough nasty people in the world and being nice actually makes a difference. Everyone loves to be around a nice person, so why don’t you be just that? I have passengers who treated me like a servant before and at the end of the day, being nice to her wins me the respect of others around her. That’s priceless!
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind!
Knowing when to call quits
This came at the very end of my flying career. Being a Singapore Girl is an awesome job and when you get an off day, you really get an off day and there is no homework to bring home. but after 2 years, I knew I wanted something more. I knew I had other dreams that I wanted to chase. And knowing how damaging flying everyday is to my body, I decided to walk away from the job I loved.
But that actually taught me a lot in letting go and stepping into the unknown.
Finally, sometimes friends you have around you are who you call family away from home
I lost count how many times my crew on flight stepped in to help out on everything. I remembered a few instances.
One where I was called up to fly to Moscow in the dead of winter 3 hrs before take off for my first few standbys and not having flown to a cold country at such short notice before, there were a lot of things I don’t have to keep warm. A stewardess stepped in and lent me her extra scarf as well as earmuffs. Another leading steward gave me all his hand warmers since he is staying in and has been to Moscow many times. So I actually got to explore it first time ever!
Another was a flight to Beijing, where I was the most junior crew and was picked on by the leading stewardess (yes it happens). She got us to start prepping the trolleys when the plane was still climbing after take off. And as fate has it, she stored some bottles of wine in a compartment where she was not supposed to, and when she opened the door, the wine bottles rolled out and crashed into my head. I was knocked out for a second and thank God a steward blocked the second one that was heading for the back of my neck.
So I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed recalling my SIA days. Feel free to ask me anything regarding my time in SIA and I will try to answer as much as I can! And for tips for the upcoming SIA interviews, here is my 2 cents worth regarding one of the hardest interviews there is.
Recently an old video by the smart locals popped into my recommended list. They got their crew to try out for the SIA crew interview. I was rooting for them in my heart cos I know how it feels to be there. And as I was not the prettiest and youngest when I tried, I kinda expected them to breeze through and at least get to management round. So here is a post as well as some tips for the converted and mysterious SIA interview
This was taken right before my last flight from London back to Singapore
It has always been my dream since a kid to be a Singapore girl. I had the jet setter in me before I even knew what a jet setter was HAHA!
When I was 18, I wanted to try out but my parents were against it. It was only a couple of years after 9-11 and they were worried about me flying. So I finished up University, tried a sales job but eventually became an Allied Educator. The kids were my life but I still wanted to fly.
I joined SIA 8 years ago in 2011 at the ripe old age of 26. A little older compared to the rest of the girls who went for the interview. I left about 2 years and 8 months later when I hit 29. But the duration as a crew was and is one of the best time I’ve had in my life. Although I am happier now, I still look back and smile when Facebook reminds me of my flying days. I am so glad I actually tried.
There is a lot of stereotype of airline crew, especially for SQ girls. Although some might be true, and I did have my fair share of strange colleagues, there are so many things I learned as a crew that I don’t think I would have learned anywhere else.
If you ever had the dream to try it out, I would highly encourage you to do it. The reason is simple. Although it is not easy to get in and there are so many stages of the interview now, but if you never try, you will never know. At least you can say you tried your best! Don’t live with regret 10 years down the road after it is too late.
If you are young with no kids and have always wanted to try, why not?!
I know over the years, they have changed the interview process as well as stages. As I am unfamiliar with the latest interview process, here are some tips I think is pretty universal for SIA interviews. I got in the first time I tried at the age of 26, so I figured I must have done something right. haha so here are my 2 cents!
Tips before going to the interview
1. Ask yourself if this is really what you want
This is extremely important because you are bonded for 2 years and leaving before that is pretty pricy.
We are very good at giving the impression where this is the best job in the world. It is close to the best job apart from the times you need to clean the toilets after a passenger, who overestimates his alcohol threshold and merlioned all over. Here is a post about things we don’t share on our Instagram as a crew. Have a read and see if this turns you off. If you are still keen, let’s go!
2. Make sure you meet all requirements
Do you have all the paper requirements? Are you tall enough? The high issue is not discrimination to shorter people but it is actually dangerous if you can’t reach the overhead cabins. Some “common-sense challenged” passenger might let go of a heavy bag while you are helping them with it and if you are stepping on the step assist and not on the ground, you might fall off with the bag falling on you. I have seen it happen on a flight and it is not a fun place to be.
Also, make sure you got all the admin in order and in a nice file. The last you want is to reach the interview venue and be sent home because your forms are not in order. So photocopy all you need and remember to bring extra copies in case something happened to it.
3. Leave the house early
The early bird catches the worm. Even though there is no proof that the earlier you go the higher chance you get, ( I was the only one who made it in my first round of 10), but going early helps you feel less stress as well as give you some time to compose yourself. Plus the lines get pretty crazy and imagine being the 508th in the line facing the interviewers.
4. Wear like you are going for a job interview in an MNC
This is a job interview like any other, so dress appropriately. Respect the interview and look smart. Think from the company’s point of view, why would they hire someone who doesn’t respect them? Right? And please don’t dress like a gold digger. Professionalism is what they are looking for. I remembered I wore a white long sleeved shirt, black dressed pants, and court shoes.
Once you reach interview venue
1. They are watching you (I think)
Yes! From the person at the registration table to the people checking your documents and height and weight. They just need to indicate something on your form, you can kiss your interview goodbye before it even began. So be nice to every human you see.
The reason why I think this is one of the factors is that I was not the most eloquent and neither was I the prettiest in my group. But I was the only one who is making small talks as well as opening doors for everyone and letting everyone in the room before going in (it has to be second nature).
2. Smile! ALOT
One thing they are on the lookout for people with ‘resting smiley face’. So be careful when you zone out and if you want to read on your phone, read a happy article. Even better, be social! Talk to people around you! You are basically interviewing for a PR job, so start PR-ing!
3. They are actually watching when you are not talking
Always listen to others when it is their turn to speak. Not only is that a nice thing to do but also you don’t know who is watching. Remember it is not really what you say that determines if you go to the next round or not.
Having the most epic answer ‘why you love sunrise as it reminds you of you mama’s love’ is not gonna cut it when you are staring blankly into space thinking of the epic answer when someone else is speaking. Get it???
My question was “if you had a superpower, what would it be and why” my answer was super lame but I got through anyway.
4. Be real
Remember a job interview goes 2 ways. It is both the company deciding if they want to give you the job as well as you deciding if you want it. So if you have hard limits like you HATE kids and crying babies, being fake about it and saying you would hold a crying baby so that the mom can have some rest, will do you more harm then good in the long run.
So these are my little tips for the SIA interview. SIA interviews are super notorious for high failure rates. So don’t feel too bad if you did not make it the first time round. I have a batchmate who got in after trying for 5 times! So if this is something you have always wanted to do, I hope the little tips are helpful somewhat!
Going through the SIA interview is one of the most humbling experience I’ve had in life. It does not matter if you have a degree or an “O Level” cert. It’s fair game for everyone!
So here is one more awesome being in the friendly skies! Have a shot and all the best! Here is more info on dates, timing, and venues for the next interview. GOOD LUCK!
