Edit on 5th Dec 2020* it took me a while to decide if I wanted to publish this. But recently I have a few mums to be asking me why I don’t have such thoughts. I do. And a lot of it but these are things I don’t scream to the world at that point in time. I tend to retreat into my own mind and write it down so that I release it somehow. So here it is..
WARNING, Trigger warnings.
Google can be a scary monster by itself. I find myself going down the rabbit hole over and over again spending time sucked into it with thoughts turning darker and darker. How do I know my baby is doing well? If he or she is growing? Am I doing all I can for the tiny life in me? I can’t sleep for 2 nights in a row. I have no appetite. How does it affect the growth of the little one in me?
I don’t know what to say, I don’t know who to tell. And as of now, mum and dad are still in the dark. what is the point of telling them? The bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment if it doesn’t get to full term. I can’t put them through that.
Every trip to the toilet feels dreadful. Every time I pull down my pants I wonder if I will see the red lump of blood clots I saw so many times before. And I breathe a sigh of relief when it was clear. Every pain, every ache, every strange feeling in my abdomen sends my brain into hyper mode.
Yes seeing the ultrasound did put things into reality. But it also seems like the only indication that everything is ok.. the only indication until the next scan. So what do I do from now till the next scan? It’s been 20 days since the last appointment. Why is the time going so slow?
These are things I type into google.
Is it normal to not have morning sickness?
Is it normal to not feel anything?
How do you know you are really pregnant?
How do you know if you have lost a baby in first trimester?
How do I know my baby is ok first trimester
Things to eat in first trimester
Things to avoid eating in first trimester
Common causes of baby death in first trimester
How do you know if you are still pregnant?
How fast do I bleed after baby dies first trimester?
Safe exercise to do during first trimester
How many woman lose their baby in first trimester in Singapore?
What causes woman to lose their baby in early pregnancy?
These thoughts are ever-present in my head. And being almost 35 is not helping. I’m scared…
Then I see posts on Instagram. Of lost and how to morn for angel babies. Of people who had and lost. Of failed pregnancy tests, again.. So I stopped scrolling.
I can’t stand the silence so I listen to podcasts constantly. I can’t stand being alone so I go drive grab. I can’t stand being around people I know with all these dark thoughts in me so walk around aimlessly in malls.
But what else can I do? Maybe watching TV might help… might help.. i need to get out of this void. This cant be healthy…
