I’m sitting now in front of my computer in the office and my brain was in a mess when I am typing this. But I want to record this down somewhere. I want to be able to look back and remember this day. I will attempt to with this brain going in different directions. Hope this makes sense when I look back many moons from now.
So today was the day Dan and I went to get a pregnancy kit. I have realized my period was late for the first time in 2.5 years since I started ketones. Before that, I can have periods for months then nothing. Then months again with a crazy stabbing pain. But since Ketones, it has been like clockwork and painless.
We were talking about it last night, what if our results are positive? What if we are pregnant? Are we really ready to become parents? AT THIS TIME?! We are still in phase one of the circuit breaker! And our house is only coming in END NEXT year!!!
So we went to Sun Plaza for lunch. I did not have much appetite, Dan was eating his favorite Chinese pork ribs. My brains were in overdrive. I KNOW somehow I felt different these days, and it scares me. I feel like throwing up.
After late lunch, we went to the pharmacy to get the kit. I stood in front of the kits and hesitated, I wanted to chicken out, but I needed to know. Daniel was giving me space. Maybe he knew I am conflicted and I had to make this decision myself. I bought 2. Just in case of a misreading.
On the short drive back I felt sick but excited. Like a kid in bed on Christmas morning not knowing if I would love the present or be disappointed. The drive back I was silent, Dan was cracking jokes trying to lighten the mood, I appreciated that. Even at times like that, I give thanks to God for having this soulmate
After we got back to the office, I left the kits on the table for a while. We both sat at the couch holding hands, I was afraid. Was I holding on to too much hope since we have been trying for a kid and it has been disappointing so far?
I cried. Like all the months I cried when my period came on the dot.
It’s all or nothing now. I know dan was at a loss but he held it in like the pillar of support he has and will always be, we hold the kits together, fiddling with it, reading the instructions, trying to get the mushy brain in working order.
Ok. Toilet time!
I peed into the cup and used the dropper, WAIT.. was it one line or two? Wait… what’s what? As I dripped a couple of drops into the test area, I waited. And counted…
One thousand.. two thousand… three thousand…
The first faint line appeared…
Four thousand… 5 thousand… 6 thousand….
And the line darken to one dark pink line.
Seven thousand… eight thousand… nine thousand… ten thousand…
Was it my eyes playing tricks on me or do i see the very faint second line?
I lost count and stared at the test kit. My eyes started to water. I kept blinking, straining to see…
Slowly and surely, the second pink line faded into existence… I sat down for a bit, staring in space… looked up and saw a frightened girl staring back at me and realized that was my reflection.
After what felt like an hour, but that was just barely a minute in real-time, I grabbed the kit, walked out of the toilet to find Daniel smiling at me. I burst into tears and showed him the kit. He was confused a little.. then he laughed.. and both of us were laughing and crying at the same time.
Daniel quickly said a prayer thanking God for the results, laid a blessing of protection over me and our kiddo. We just sat there for a while… a long while. Talking about what to do next. We had no idea.
I suddenly felt a wave of panic. So doctor? Who? Where? What? How?
Suddenly instincts kicked in and I was in full research mode. That’s what I do best anyway and the only thing that’s was in my mind was..
Can I drink coffee now? I need a coffee.. oh wait… can I drink coffee? How much coffee can I drink?
Daniel has a natural daddy instinct. (THANK YOU JESUS) and he started fussing over me, making sure I was comfortable, trying to feed me, and made sure I was well hydrated.
So that was what went down today. As I sat here, Dan is rushing his edit and I just wanted to note every emotion and feeling down. I’m afraid and I am being very careful. I know this is precious and a gift from God and I wanna protect it to my best ability.
Here is to our smol smol… mum and dad lovesss you sooo much. Even though you are just a cluster of cells at the moment. Hahah…
