That’s the first thing anything tells me when I say I am on a diet.
So recently I was looking for a picture of me that showed my build, like me actually being bigger sized because a new friend can’t imagine I was actually fleshy 1.5 years ago. But…
I realize… I realized I can’t find any!
And the reason wasn’t I have been skinny all my life. FAR FROM IT! I realized that even though I have never been one to fat shame others, I was very aware of how huge I look (being tall doesn’t help, it actually makes it worse! Imagine a pebble vs a boulder)
In almost all my photos, there was one thing similar, I was wearing a jacket ALL THE TIME! Either that or I was in long sleeves. I doubt it was a conscious choice and I never really noticed it until now when I am currently trying to find a picture when I was weighing in at 69KG.
After many failed attempts to find a picture, I took a while to try and understand and grasp the whole picture. And compared to the kind of pictures I used to take in my 20s, I realized that I have lost a lot of confidence over the last few years. Gradually and so subtle that I hardly noticed.
So these are some that I found! HAHA!!! I know how to cover my goods well…
Maybe a little less physical and a little more psychological
Did I feel fab still? Yeah, ish? But I know I needed to do something to make me feel better. So I did everything from chopping my hair to dying it to changing styles. ANYTHING
Did I try to make myself feel better? Yeah, I went to take up pole dance and strip dance to feel better about myself. But if you realized in my social media, I hardly post anything regarding pole! But Daniel was having fun!
I was not ashamed of myself but I was uncomfortable about posting myself on social media cos I felt I was “in progress”.. Of something.. Not there yet.. I have no idea what and where yet..
So here are 2 rare pics of me in pole wear!
I was bullied as a child cos of my weight (Nope, not that kinda story)
Not knocking victims of bullying but THIS is not that story! I was super strong when I was a kid! (if you are bullied please read on. Cos I will tell you the sweetest revengeeee.. mwahahahaa.. at the end…. mwahahhaa)
So this is not a sob story about how sad I felt or how I was bullied because of my weight cos I was OKAY-ish with myself! But I feel I can do better and do not want to have pictures of me on social media until I get “there”. Am I making sense?
So I gave up posting and sharing a lot of memories I had. HECK I DID NOT EVEN POST MY WEDDING PICS! zzz… I have not “felt ready” yet.
Also, one fun fact, even though I married THE One Click Wonders, I hardly had any shoot done of me since I hit 30. He pesters me every time to shoot but as usual, I “Felt” I wasn’t ready
So on the 31 dec 2018, I did something super uncomfortable. I did a photoshoot with Daniel finally. HE LOVED IT!!! BUT!!!! I did not ‘Feel’ it.. then I realized one thing. All my photos felt uncertain.
So what was the problem!?
So obviously the problem was not physical. I have lost 13KG and still felt shit about myself! It has to be psychological! So in May, I got so tired of never acknowledging my progress and it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest and spraying water into my hair. I was cheering everyone on but I was going crazy inside! I felt so tired and empty!
Then something happened during my second KK in Orlando. I can’t put a finger to it, maybe I will write about it in another post once I figured it out. Something actually happened during my arrow break and I made a deal with myself.
Since I came back from Orlando, I tell myself every day that “I am worth it”, I look at myself in the mirror and give myself a huge smile everyday! I make an effort to check out myself in every reflection I could see and do a little wink. I am filled with gratitude for a hubby that tells me every 2 or 3 hours that he loves me and tells me that I am awesome every night before I sleep.
Growth! Is uncomfortable..
One thing I learned is that growth, no matter what kind of growth, is uncomfortable. I felt like a fool most of the time and I fall flat on my face more often then I cared to admit. But confidence is a skill. It has to be acquired through practice. And looking good in front of the camera is a learned skill. And I am still learning..
I think being stuck in the victim mentality is a very comfortable place for the mind. I knew it gave me reasons to make excuses and run away from everything but was that what I wanted in the long term? Like a kid with hands over her ears and screaming away refusing to deal with reality.
I doubt so. It might be comfortable for a while but I don’t want to live for another 20 years and look back wondering what could have been.
So finally after a few months of nudging from Daniel, we did an updated shoot 2 days ago. This time, I am happy with the results.
There was not much weight difference between these 2 studio shots. But the mentality during the shoot was very different
So how much have I lost?
Yes, I found out that I needed to lose something, and it was not the weight. The main things I needed to lose was the lack of confidence, the feeling of needing to be perfect. I needed to lose the unattainable ideal of the perfect me and really trust the progress.
I am still FARRRRRr from perfection but knowing and acknowledging that I have made progression, that’s the most important lesson I’ve to learn this year! And it is probably something I will need to learn the rest of my life!
To lose limiting beliefs is sometimes worth more than losing just weight or fat! It gave me my life and confidence back. I am not perfect and I am proud of it! Cos there is beauty in the imperfections. There was a time I was skinny and unhappy for a while cos I still had the “not good enoug” mentality. But I have since had the mindset change and put on a couple of KGs. I’ve never felt better about myself!
So what do you want?
Something’s gotta give. You want more financial freedom, change the way you work and save! You want more friends, change the way you interact. You want more change in your appearance, work on it. You want more confidence, practice it! Cos you are freaking worth it!
The importance of tracking progress
You may not feel it, we never do. I don’t feel physically different when I see myself in the mirror and neither do I feel anything different when i wear my dresses. But Pictures don’t lie. (That’s why we stress the importance of taking pics for people who are trying to lose body fat). We are always over critical about ourselves and that’s just how are (especially ladies)
I actually felt crazy joy when i saw this pic Daniel put together for me
So if you want to be happy, use tools like this to celebrate every win! Look back and measure progress! Take a snapshot now and write a letter to yourself stating how you feel. In it set a challenge to yourself and change something for 10 days! Just one thing, eg smile more, do one kind deed a day or anything! Keep it in the drawer and set an alarm 100 days from now to remind you where it is. Read it in a 100 days and celebrate like crazy the progress you have made.
Sweetest revenge
Nope I have not forgotten the sweetest revenge one can give. The sweetest revenge is to go on and have fun with your life. They are not worth it, not anymore. Never let someone else negatively impact how you look at your self or what you feel you needed to do in life. That is giving them too much power that they don’t freaking deserve. Shine and bloom cos you are one of a kind. (Unless you are an ass then please don’t be an ass)
If you have not figured it out yet, I think I am effing Awesome and I think you are too! But it does not happen naturally, we need to work on it every single day! Not the awesomeness but the mentality. The awesomeness will come naturally!
There is no destination, just a process. And if thats the case, learn to enjoy and eat that damn elephant one bite at a time! Progression, not perfection!
To find out more, do follow me on @simsamsum on instagram or click here to learn more about ketones! My referral code is “dailyboost” and I will be there journeying with you as we progress to better!
Love, Samantha
